Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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