don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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