Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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