He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
