I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
