I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
