You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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