my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
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