I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
