i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
