How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
