he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
