I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
