and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
