Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
