so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
