I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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