The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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