It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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