as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
