I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
