My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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