just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
