Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
