My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
