On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize