my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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