It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize