I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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