It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
