Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
