there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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