I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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