My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
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