yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
