He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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