it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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