U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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