Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
