Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
