So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
