He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
