This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
