Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
