He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
