hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
