So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
