First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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