Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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