Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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