after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
