Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
