I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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