I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize