His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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