I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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