Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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