remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
