i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Drunk is not a location!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
