My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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