Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
