Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
