Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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